frida is my hero always
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
bah!
After reading my recent blog entries, the only thing that comes to mind is a sopping wet dishrag dropped on a counter top, slapping the surface with a slick, gushy sigh of defeat.
That is not a good thing.
I can do this. I need to keep an iron grip on my sanity and take control of myself. For too long I've let circumstances and emotions rule me. I need to step back inside my shell and rule myself instead of handing over my power to sneaky forces that will take advantage of my trust, whether it be people or compulsive feelings or resentful memories. The mind is such a powerful thing and to let go of it is a sign of pure stupidity on my part.
I can't be sure that this will be the end of these sobby blogs that, to me at least, are rather painful to read. No one probably reads this anyways. However, from now on I am going to try my best to herd my flakes of determination together and use my mind to its full potential.
Wish me luck, and please don't tempt me with cookies.
That is not a good thing.
I can do this. I need to keep an iron grip on my sanity and take control of myself. For too long I've let circumstances and emotions rule me. I need to step back inside my shell and rule myself instead of handing over my power to sneaky forces that will take advantage of my trust, whether it be people or compulsive feelings or resentful memories. The mind is such a powerful thing and to let go of it is a sign of pure stupidity on my part.
I can't be sure that this will be the end of these sobby blogs that, to me at least, are rather painful to read. No one probably reads this anyways. However, from now on I am going to try my best to herd my flakes of determination together and use my mind to its full potential.
Wish me luck, and please don't tempt me with cookies.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
frustration
It's frustrating to admit that I am obsessed with my weight. I am weak. I compulsively eat at the drop of a hat, I stuff my feelings in my mouth, and I worry and analyze myself to the point of depression and/or tears. It shouldn't matter as much as it does. This is a repulsive cycle that repeats itself; I try different methods and set goals for myself that are always broken one way or another. Self control has never been one of my strong points, and my tummy tells me so every morning. I have tried so hard to tell myself that I am not as beastly as I believe myself to be, but it's nearly impossible.
Why does my self-hatred have to get in the way of everything? Two nights ago, Zack and I were tripping on acid together and I had gotten french fries, only to be horrified at the thought of eating them and I threw them on the side of the road. Zack asked "Where are these weight issues coming from?"
I wish I knew. I think it stems from my general self-loathing, and because I am such an extremely visual person, my appearance is very important to me. I have goals and images in my mind of how I would like to be, and I am so far from them it makes me feel like trying would be a useless attempt. I am disgusted that my image means as much as it does.
It isn't fair.
I am so young, I should be focusing on other things like art, spirituality, meditating, taking a wack at yoga once more, respecting everyone instead of being as intolerable as I've become, making new friends, and not smoking so much pot. The "munchies" are very possibly half of this continuing eating problem.
This is my prime of life and I want to take advantage of it. Why is it so hard for me?
I guess this is what comes with being such a passionate person. I feel immense intensity from each side of the spectrum; it is a gift and a curse.
I miss when things within myself weren't so complicated.
Why does my self-hatred have to get in the way of everything? Two nights ago, Zack and I were tripping on acid together and I had gotten french fries, only to be horrified at the thought of eating them and I threw them on the side of the road. Zack asked "Where are these weight issues coming from?"
I wish I knew. I think it stems from my general self-loathing, and because I am such an extremely visual person, my appearance is very important to me. I have goals and images in my mind of how I would like to be, and I am so far from them it makes me feel like trying would be a useless attempt. I am disgusted that my image means as much as it does.
It isn't fair.
I am so young, I should be focusing on other things like art, spirituality, meditating, taking a wack at yoga once more, respecting everyone instead of being as intolerable as I've become, making new friends, and not smoking so much pot. The "munchies" are very possibly half of this continuing eating problem.
This is my prime of life and I want to take advantage of it. Why is it so hard for me?
I guess this is what comes with being such a passionate person. I feel immense intensity from each side of the spectrum; it is a gift and a curse.
I miss when things within myself weren't so complicated.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
zz
After nurturing a nasty slump filled with close-mindedness, negativity, and resentment with those who hurt me and also those that haven't, I've decided that I need to screw my head straight and stitch together my broken optimism.
Constant cynical tendencies are taking a toll on my mentality; I need to try once more to respect everyone as best to my capability, and be as non-judgemental as I can. I don't want to be constricted to a certain group of people. I don't want to talk shit, I don't want to refrain from being friends with someone just because my other friend doesn't like them, I don't want to exercise the negativity that's taken ahold of seemingly everyone. I need to get my brain out of the gutter and put it to some use. Out with this stale persona, I need to stretch out my potential and break out of this cycle.
Constant cynical tendencies are taking a toll on my mentality; I need to try once more to respect everyone as best to my capability, and be as non-judgemental as I can. I don't want to be constricted to a certain group of people. I don't want to talk shit, I don't want to refrain from being friends with someone just because my other friend doesn't like them, I don't want to exercise the negativity that's taken ahold of seemingly everyone. I need to get my brain out of the gutter and put it to some use. Out with this stale persona, I need to stretch out my potential and break out of this cycle.
Monday, February 9, 2009
sub
My identity is melting away. I don't feel like an individual, I feel like a lump of something inanimate and emotionless.
I do have things to say. I am more then this. However, my persona as stupid, nondescript and goofy (but not even clever, shit) continues on; the things I want to express are smothered by the lack of knowing how to say them and when to say them.
It all branches from squishy, weak adjectives that cloud my brain and eyes. I am disgusted with myself yet still hesitant.
Prove-you-wrong's are thick. You are wrong. You are wrong and substandard. Why do I absentmindedly shrink myself, let myself be dwindled into a granule of salt? There is always something I should know but don't, there is always something missing or incorrect. I have been watered down to nothing, and even worse, I have let it happen.
...Defining characteristics are blurry, I remember back when I was actually a person.
I do have things to say. I am more then this. However, my persona as stupid, nondescript and goofy (but not even clever, shit) continues on; the things I want to express are smothered by the lack of knowing how to say them and when to say them.
It all branches from squishy, weak adjectives that cloud my brain and eyes. I am disgusted with myself yet still hesitant.
Prove-you-wrong's are thick. You are wrong. You are wrong and substandard. Why do I absentmindedly shrink myself, let myself be dwindled into a granule of salt? There is always something I should know but don't, there is always something missing or incorrect. I have been watered down to nothing, and even worse, I have let it happen.
...Defining characteristics are blurry, I remember back when I was actually a person.
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