zz

After nurturing a nasty slump filled with close-mindedness, negativity, and resentment with those who hurt me and also those that haven't, I've decided that I need to screw my head straight and stitch together my broken optimism.
Constant cynical tendencies are taking a toll on my mentality; I need to try once more to respect everyone as best to my capability, and be as non-judgemental as I can. I don't want to be constricted to a certain group of people. I don't want to talk shit, I don't want to refrain from being friends with someone just because my other friend doesn't like them, I don't want to exercise the negativity that's taken ahold of seemingly everyone. I need to get my brain out of the gutter and put it to some use. Out with this stale persona, I need to stretch out my potential and break out of this cycle.

sub

My identity is melting away. I don't feel like an individual, I feel like a lump of something inanimate and emotionless.
I do have things to say. I am more then this. However, my persona as stupid, nondescript and goofy (but not even clever, shit) continues on; the things I want to express are smothered by the lack of knowing how to say them and when to say them.
It all branches from squishy, weak adjectives that cloud my brain and eyes. I am disgusted with myself yet still hesitant.
Prove-you-wrong's are thick. You are wrong. You are wrong and substandard. Why do I absentmindedly shrink myself, let myself be dwindled into a granule of salt? There is always something I should know but don't, there is always something missing or incorrect. I have been watered down to nothing, and even worse, I have let it happen.

...Defining characteristics are blurry, I remember back when I was actually a person.

%

I am ruined. Someone jiggled your arm when drawing my brain, my face, my body, my colorless spirit. You paint over it but it's still there looking at me.
I feel empty all the time. I am everything that I never wanted to be. Where did I go wrong?

All I want to do is listen to my sister play the piano.

opposite

I've been so tired lately. Everything I do exhausts me, wrenching the energy from my fists and robbing me of desire to indulge in anything worthwhile. The paint fumes are making me feel woozy; they're clouding my brain. I want to go home.

My hands and hair are speckled with white primer and half-hearted effort. My belly demands a change of habit. Please spit out your mouthful of sin, belly. Unwanted. Shoo.

I am lazily craving a sober cigarette for the first time in a long while. Something to attack my body, something that won't leave me feeling like a huge, sad animal, perhaps from the pachyderm family. A mammoth, maybe.

I am drenched in lack-of-purpose.

breathe

I had my first yoga class today; what an incredible experience. When we began, the first calming exercises and the feelings I got from them were so beautiful they brought tears to my eyes.

I am exhausted. There are silent fingers tugging at my eyelids and impatient toes burrowing into my skull. However, I feel happy and pleased with this exhaustion because it sprouted from something productive and cleansing. The dingy edges of my mood have been scrubbed until another episode of mud sprays.

I am thankful to have met and fell in love with a person who changed my life, I am thankful for my two best friends and their beautiful souls.

Mmmm.

him

I do not deserve you.
Your love is delicate and fragile; I can't treat it haphazardly.
I am so grateful.
I miss you the most when it's cold.
Your presence is a mug of something warm, kissing my frozen palms.

<^>

I ache for something different, but when I am fed a scrap of change I am not satisfied. That's humanity for me I suppose.
I am happier. I'm not the happiest, but I am happier. This is good. Thank you, whoever you are, the cold weather, the sunshine, the warmth.

I don't think God made everything, I think that God is everything. Everything is God. Maybe? Perhaps not. Exploration dominates.